Photography from Rapha women’s collection

Hi ‘In the Saddle’,

A friend of mine kindly brought to my attention your blog post ‘To that roadie girl…’. Unfortunately I think it might be about me.

I do ride to work about that time, but I’m not one of those hipster types working in some digital agency or design studio pushing little blobs of colour around a screen all day. I actually have a proper job, and I certainly don’t ride a fixie. In addition to my Colnago I have a Cervelo P2 with Dura Ace.

In fact it was guys like you who convinced me I’d be better off racing triathlon. You roadies are like Neanderthals, so unused to seeing girls riding bikes that you practically fall over your handlebars trying to impress and chat them up. And here’s a newsflash – giving someone the benefit of your infinite ‘cycling wisdom’ is not the effective seduction technique you seem to think it is. I don’t care what you think about my cadence, or what gear I should be in, or if my stem is too short or too high. Plus most of you lot are still ‘riding on feel’. I mean, come on! It’s 2011! Get a power meter, or at least a heart rate monitor – and please, learn to use it!

Tri guys are totally cool – they train hard and have focussed goals, and combine their sporting achievements with demanding careers. My boyfriend is a corporate lawyer and is one of the top triathletes in his age category, plus all the swimming and running he does gives him a really hot body. Triathlon guys aren’t stick thin wimps, obsessed with every ounce of food that passes their lips like a teenage girl. Pigeon-chested cyclists are really not my cup of tea. And if you thought I looked good in lycra, well you should see me in a swimming costume.

I had in fact noticed you before, but only because your bike has been making some stupid creaking noise for months. Do you ever even wash it? If there’s a dictionary definition of a cycling dork then you’d be it. Wearing the odd bit of Rapha doesn’t automatically make you cool, especially it it’s in the wrong size and you match it with ugly shorts that accentuate your boney backside. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘all the gear but no idea’?

And do you mind if I say that your saddle is way too low? Apart from the fact it’s totally ineffective and reduces your power output, it also looks stupid, like you’re some newbie squeeking your way to work on a rusty bike you’ve just pulled out the shed. I also think I may have overtaken you when I was on a Boris Bike, so I wouldn’t get too cocky about writing me a training plan or timing me up Box Hill.

So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ever wave to me if you see me on the road, or try to chat me up at the traffic lights. I know who you are, and I know I’m not interested. I think it’s pretty pathetic that you’d practically stalk some stranger and then write about it on your silly blog to share with your equally pathetic mates. No one wants to read about what you’ve got to say about your sad little hobby – wasting your time tapping away on your computer when you should be out riding. Because, by the looks of it, you need all the training you can get.

Regards,

‘Roadie Girl’

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